this is my wintersong.

here at sit at some ungodly hour of the night. i have about five hours to force this information i could care less about into my mind. i won't remember it when i leave. depressingly enough.

i listen to the songs you recommend, i try anything you tell me to in hopes it gets me one step closer to where i need to be. but it seems that neither of us know the way. we're both so lost. the blind leading the blind.

papers, dishes, & crumbs surround me. i have two wks left until i rearrange it all. same building. different place. new rooms to create memories in. new habits to form. new smells, new hobbies, new hidy holes.

it's all blurred. where i am, where i'll be, where i want to be. my dream city. 730 kilometres away. you'll be there soon. we'll be back. i have to go back. & it'll take work, won't ir? it never gets easy. that's the depressing realization. it just doesn't get easy you may work a little less hard, but you'll always work hard. work to put yourself through school, work your way through school itself, work into grad school & masters, work into the working world & work for a vacation. 15 years & your dream's here. now you want a vacation.

sometimes, the things i wish i was are the things i never wanna be.

on inequality.

the sad truth about inequality, realized at five this morning, is that those with disabilities will never truly be treated equally.

i woke up this morning feeling brand new

Glimmers of sorrow & mourning still make it through. The loss of a life, no matter how far or how close to you at such an age..devastating. The world somehow feels more serious now, yet more playful at the same time. It's horrible. Live your life to the fullest. Don't let the stupid shit get you down. Such a purposeful person. I love you my angel. See you on the other side. Her words so haunting.

Yes we can. No longer just a line to win an election. Or maybe it is & will always be. We are the generation. I am the generation. OSAP be damned. TD be damned. I can do whatever I need to. This is my time. Never ending papers & exams. Classes & boring lectures. 10 hour shifts & a constant lack of sleep. I'm sick of being told I can't. I can. I will. Give me time.

I have fallen. I have overspent. But here I am. Live your life. For those who can't & for yourself.

Dreams. Hope. Faith.

is it bright where you are

Every so often I'm made into something I'm not. They give me advice & for a couple days, maybe a few weeks, I'll keep up. Then I'll slowly revert back to the old me. It's simple. I'm simple. I don't know if it's expected or if I'm just trying to be what they want. I wonder how long this time will last.

An escape is what's needed. Every so often an escape from people & things & places & school & work. A world where no one really knows me & everything all built up within escapes. There's only so much one can take until they break. Next week, it ends. Up in smoke. The progression, the excitement, the release. Back to square one. Broke & needing something to hit.

The sounds of 4am are no longer appealing to me. Once a breathe of fresh air from the stupidity of the average person, now it haunts me. The silence has become unbearable. The quiet of my new life. It's coming to an end, I know. But sometimes it's just too much. There's not enough stimulation, interaction. It leaves me questioning too much; too little?

Music guides my way.

today's date.

Slowly. One at a time, they find their way to the page. So many words fill my mind, but as the years creep past, less and less make it to the page. Unacceptable. This was to be my future, my purpose. This was to be my calling, and here I’ve gone and sold out. Hum. My younger self would be disappointed. I’ll salvage myself. I’ll make it, I swear. I may be a hack and a phony. The words and ideas I try to bring to life may fail or just not be right, but is there harm in trying?

I listen to the notes flowing from my poor ass speakers. An egg chair, a pad of paper & pen plus a sweet stereo system is my wish right now. Having a nice camera would be nice as well. I miss creativity. I miss sensuality. I miss creating; crafting. I miss the feeling of achievement. I miss the beauty of it all.

I didn’t realize it would be like this. I didn’t realize it would drain me. I didn’t realize it would change who I am and what I want and how I’m ever going to get there. I didn’t realize what I was stepping into. I regret it, but I know it will be worth it. It has to be worth it. Is it because I’ll be the first? The only? Maybe it’s because I’ve already started- I can’t back down now. I can’t back down. Period. Maybe I really do want it that bad. The letters, the proof that I could do whatever I put my mind to. Maybe it’s everything. This has to be worth it.

I gave up something along the way. I lost something. What was it? Where is it?

i can't seem to see myself

Here I sit at yet another summer crossroads. I wonder how I got here, but then I think & it all comes rushing back to me. My ever growing need to stick to my goals. There is no bending. There is no breaking. Until three months later when forced. There are ways of cheating. Do not think I won't take full advantage of them.

I feel connected again. To the person I used to be, to the person you are. It all seems to make a little more sense now & I welcome it. I feel young again. I feel as though I'm capable of accomplishing something more. Anything.

I used to have more. Now my mind is empty.

santa monica blvd.

emotionally turbulent would be a cautious term for this weekend. i don't even want to think about how i'm feeling. every time i get used to life being a certain way it changes, each time throwing me for a loop. so i sway to the music & let it engulf me. life's easier this way.

i need to go shopping, but i still haven't gotten the chance. instead i wait for the weird noise in the speakers, alerting me to the pizza man's presence. i really am a student. a messy, lazy, procrastinating to the very last minute kind of student. i'm that girl who always has an energy drink in her hand and boyfriend on the mind.

i don't know what's happening. i don't know what i'm thinking or feeling right now & i don't anticipate it getting any clearer any time soon.

when does it start being decided that someone is grown up? I'm definitely not grown up, yet some believe i am. i'm still trying to figure out who i am, where i belong. how can you say that something isn't like me, when i don't even know who that is? experimentation... that's what time of my life it is.

work. school. work. school. work. work. break. rinse. repeat.